Second day of blog and still having a hard time. I know I meant to do something about the situation and I know I have to be out of character to get something to happen, but I guess im a coward. Slitting wrists and rock/punk songs has now become my taste. And now that its one day till my birthday, I'm about to do crazy things. Probably empty out my dad's 37% bundy in the cupboard tomrrow. Don't really care what happens on my special day, just gonna not be me at all. Probably something worse that everyone wouldn't be pleased about. But its a change, not for the greater but for an experience.

Well now, I removed her from my MSN again, I don't need to worry about me talking to her. I did not block her but just removed her. Meaning that she can give a nudge, but I can't to her for a start. Reason why I've done this is because I'm leaving things, either she wants to talk to a low life or not. But I'm suggesting she doesn't want to, since her bday party which I was a social loser. Quiet like always. Been 3 days and counting. Her happiness is already there. Not from me, but from her friends. Why would she need someone else ? Been on my mind so much lately. Just gonna change myself and continue with my life I guess. Not going to make everyone happy too. Its my fault for this mishappening. Why ? Because I always take the easy way out or find the easiest things to do. Makes me think in the future, if I had to tackle a more stressing problem, how would I cope? Oh wells, I'm Philip Ly. The lazy, slow, dumb loser.

Well what I've done today was sleep, eat, dota, doing my L's hours, and more dota. Nothing to do anyways. No basketball. Like I wonder where they went.. Shame..

Back to my problem, I got to talk to her soon. I definitely know that we ain't going to work out. But I do not know how and when to start the conversation. Pussy much ? So much for having a dick.. But its going to be real awkward if I start the conversation. To be really honest, her party ain't so great to me. But seeing her made me feel so much better , so it was worth the time. But I also had another birthday party going on, a old timer good friend. But then, Juliet was the priority. I was aching, sitting around the barbeque, knew only 2-3 people at the party and there was like 80 plus there ? I ain't the type to get to know other people. It doesn't really work out for me. It's like , I know them for that short time, then I never talk to them, so why bother knowing them at the first place ? Kills time , shows what other peoples are like etc. I know , but I aint the kind for that thing. Only person I want to know more was Juliet, but she did not have the time. Clearly, busy with friends, cleaning up and other things. I kept my distance and just took a buttload of time of doing nothing and keeping myself warm.

I know what other people would say about me. "Look, if you want to sort things about your problem, you got to step up and be a man." Just another load of lecture. Just like my ex-teachers. Headache shit aint it. That's what made me repeat and fail school again. Not stepping up. I do not know what's holding me back from stepping up to become the stronger person. Its like having that time where you expect at a certain moment that you'll change, well it aint going to happen if you dont act upon it. And it isn't for me. I do not know when I'm going to act, and I just need a hellova boost and a point in direction. If that could be done, I would be so happy for that to happen.

Its late night again. Quarter past 2 in the morning. My dota time. Eating my rice. So hungry.

Hope i get through this buttload of crap that I've done. Bless me. Hallelujah