Hey hey hey. Im finally legal to buy alcohol and able to go jail for things. =]
Early in the morning, and haven't slept yet. Feels like shit, but oh wells. Heavy chested, breath smells like 37%, and drank only 3 shots. Body has its own taste. Can't force it to do things that it doesn't want to. Just looking forward in things now. Im legal for many things now. But I ain't over-excited over these things. Just feels like another ordinary day, but in a more happy way. Just had our dota games late night, and boy wasn't it good shit or what. Not winning games, but fun and heartbeating moments. Fun games like no other days. Maybe through the effects of the alcohol, but either way, it was intense.
Haven't been really thinking about Juliet and the problems as much as before, but it just gets in at times. Don't want it to be a biggy, but doubt it aint going to be.
Well, I plan to watch grownups with the boiz. Going to be hilarious, I reckon. Adam Sandlers etc. Feeling ready for some laughters yo. But going to feel fucked up bad ass. Going to be dead tired, tread on and un-pumped to roll... Just hope its a day to remember.
I dont have much to say, but its my 18th. Gotta have all the fun that I have coz your 18th birthday is only a second in memory. Go hard or stay home!
If anyone is ever reading this, enjoy if you understand.
Peace out ~
Ps: thanks to all that wished me a good one. You all be blessed on your special day. =] Love you all.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Second day of blog and still having a hard time. I know I meant to do something about the situation and I know I have to be out of character to get something to happen, but I guess im a coward. Slitting wrists and rock/punk songs has now become my taste. And now that its one day till my birthday, I'm about to do crazy things. Probably empty out my dad's 37% bundy in the cupboard tomrrow. Don't really care what happens on my special day, just gonna not be me at all. Probably something worse that everyone wouldn't be pleased about. But its a change, not for the greater but for an experience.
Well now, I removed her from my MSN again, I don't need to worry about me talking to her. I did not block her but just removed her. Meaning that she can give a nudge, but I can't to her for a start. Reason why I've done this is because I'm leaving things, either she wants to talk to a low life or not. But I'm suggesting she doesn't want to, since her bday party which I was a social loser. Quiet like always. Been 3 days and counting. Her happiness is already there. Not from me, but from her friends. Why would she need someone else ? Been on my mind so much lately. Just gonna change myself and continue with my life I guess. Not going to make everyone happy too. Its my fault for this mishappening. Why ? Because I always take the easy way out or find the easiest things to do. Makes me think in the future, if I had to tackle a more stressing problem, how would I cope? Oh wells, I'm Philip Ly. The lazy, slow, dumb loser.
Well what I've done today was sleep, eat, dota, doing my L's hours, and more dota. Nothing to do anyways. No basketball. Like I wonder where they went.. Shame..
Back to my problem, I got to talk to her soon. I definitely know that we ain't going to work out. But I do not know how and when to start the conversation. Pussy much ? So much for having a dick.. But its going to be real awkward if I start the conversation. To be really honest, her party ain't so great to me. But seeing her made me feel so much better , so it was worth the time. But I also had another birthday party going on, a old timer good friend. But then, Juliet was the priority. I was aching, sitting around the barbeque, knew only 2-3 people at the party and there was like 80 plus there ? I ain't the type to get to know other people. It doesn't really work out for me. It's like , I know them for that short time, then I never talk to them, so why bother knowing them at the first place ? Kills time , shows what other peoples are like etc. I know , but I aint the kind for that thing. Only person I want to know more was Juliet, but she did not have the time. Clearly, busy with friends, cleaning up and other things. I kept my distance and just took a buttload of time of doing nothing and keeping myself warm.
I know what other people would say about me. "Look, if you want to sort things about your problem, you got to step up and be a man." Just another load of lecture. Just like my ex-teachers. Headache shit aint it. That's what made me repeat and fail school again. Not stepping up. I do not know what's holding me back from stepping up to become the stronger person. Its like having that time where you expect at a certain moment that you'll change, well it aint going to happen if you dont act upon it. And it isn't for me. I do not know when I'm going to act, and I just need a hellova boost and a point in direction. If that could be done, I would be so happy for that to happen.
Its late night again. Quarter past 2 in the morning. My dota time. Eating my rice. So hungry.
Hope i get through this buttload of crap that I've done. Bless me. Hallelujah
Well now, I removed her from my MSN again, I don't need to worry about me talking to her. I did not block her but just removed her. Meaning that she can give a nudge, but I can't to her for a start. Reason why I've done this is because I'm leaving things, either she wants to talk to a low life or not. But I'm suggesting she doesn't want to, since her bday party which I was a social loser. Quiet like always. Been 3 days and counting. Her happiness is already there. Not from me, but from her friends. Why would she need someone else ? Been on my mind so much lately. Just gonna change myself and continue with my life I guess. Not going to make everyone happy too. Its my fault for this mishappening. Why ? Because I always take the easy way out or find the easiest things to do. Makes me think in the future, if I had to tackle a more stressing problem, how would I cope? Oh wells, I'm Philip Ly. The lazy, slow, dumb loser.
Well what I've done today was sleep, eat, dota, doing my L's hours, and more dota. Nothing to do anyways. No basketball. Like I wonder where they went.. Shame..
Back to my problem, I got to talk to her soon. I definitely know that we ain't going to work out. But I do not know how and when to start the conversation. Pussy much ? So much for having a dick.. But its going to be real awkward if I start the conversation. To be really honest, her party ain't so great to me. But seeing her made me feel so much better , so it was worth the time. But I also had another birthday party going on, a old timer good friend. But then, Juliet was the priority. I was aching, sitting around the barbeque, knew only 2-3 people at the party and there was like 80 plus there ? I ain't the type to get to know other people. It doesn't really work out for me. It's like , I know them for that short time, then I never talk to them, so why bother knowing them at the first place ? Kills time , shows what other peoples are like etc. I know , but I aint the kind for that thing. Only person I want to know more was Juliet, but she did not have the time. Clearly, busy with friends, cleaning up and other things. I kept my distance and just took a buttload of time of doing nothing and keeping myself warm.
I know what other people would say about me. "Look, if you want to sort things about your problem, you got to step up and be a man." Just another load of lecture. Just like my ex-teachers. Headache shit aint it. That's what made me repeat and fail school again. Not stepping up. I do not know what's holding me back from stepping up to become the stronger person. Its like having that time where you expect at a certain moment that you'll change, well it aint going to happen if you dont act upon it. And it isn't for me. I do not know when I'm going to act, and I just need a hellova boost and a point in direction. If that could be done, I would be so happy for that to happen.
Its late night again. Quarter past 2 in the morning. My dota time. Eating my rice. So hungry.
Hope i get through this buttload of crap that I've done. Bless me. Hallelujah
Monday, June 21, 2010
First day on Blog.
Well its my first time on blogger. I aint big on words or fancy on things. Just expressive and to the point on this emotional-taking site.
From the day I received the axe from school, everyday has gotten from boring to worse. Waiting till the day I get my P's then finding a new job, I hope it comes real fast on the beginning of July. Getting heavy chested about things, starting to feel very emotional about the lil things. Got nothing that would want to hear my ranting so... Thanks to this blog, I'll be able to relieve some of my happenings on this.
Lately, I've been making many mistakes. Or maybe it ain't but just only to me, I say it is. Partially, I feel that I've been ignorant to some. But it really ain't my intentions. I'm the kind to just let things flow and not start things. I rarely say "Hi" first because it ain't me. If those think that I'm ignoring you or w/e, I ain't. It's who I am that does it.
Where the heavy chested feeling comes from is someone that made me feel so happy either her being in my presence or me in hers and our social matters. I am not going to say her name but I'll just call her "Juliet" to ease my typing. Juliet has always been on my little brain throughout the whole day, and it just kills me for the past few months. I really enjoy our talkings and all so much that nothing else makes me happier right now. We barely seen each other though. In about 10 months, we've seen each other 5 times and counting. Seeing her and receiving a hug from her is like a dream. Gosh.... But 5 times in 10 months, that's like once every 2 months. And I've been speaking to Juliet for 10 months ? I wish I can call her more for an outings or something, but I do not have any transport for it. Only seen her through her parties or at her work, or maybe her shopping with someone else. I've been thinking alot lately about the things we've been through together through our talkings. But what would've we been through if we seen much more of each other in reality ? Recently, thoughts of just dropping it and carry on with my life has hitten my mind. Why? It's because of me. My mistakes and my lack of effort in what we've build or done or w/e.
Juliet is a beautiful, intelligent, entertaining, laughable person that can almost bring smiles to any person in this world. She brought the biggest smiles to my dial. But have I brought any to her ? She has so many strong friends and they all seem very nice and fun. Unlike me, I'm just quiet, a social outcast usually, boring and 'loner'. I do not see any of me and her taking part of any relationships for who I am. In the future, she is guaranteed to meet the husband of her life that will bring her happiness every second of her life and will cherish her forever because she deserves so much for who she is. I just wish I was that person. But my stupidity just ruins it. Sometimes, I want to let go of her and exclude myself from her life, because I am just another problem artist in people lives. Their happiness without me its already happening. But if I let her go, will I able to carry on ? What if I kept trying and only a shattered red oval comes to hand ? I do not want to foresee what happens right now. But I guess, this is where my ignorance and laziness with the "go with the flow" theory of mine happens.
But I hope what ever goes between us, I just hope it makes us both happier in the end. Because I do not want to hurt her in anyway. I just want her to make someone else, greater than me, happier because she possesses that ability to do that.
Well, its late now. Going to resume back to what I've been doing for the past few weeks, DotA - Sleep - Eat - Toilet. Ain't life great.
P.S 2 days still my 18th and im so emo :(
From the day I received the axe from school, everyday has gotten from boring to worse. Waiting till the day I get my P's then finding a new job, I hope it comes real fast on the beginning of July. Getting heavy chested about things, starting to feel very emotional about the lil things. Got nothing that would want to hear my ranting so... Thanks to this blog, I'll be able to relieve some of my happenings on this.
Lately, I've been making many mistakes. Or maybe it ain't but just only to me, I say it is. Partially, I feel that I've been ignorant to some. But it really ain't my intentions. I'm the kind to just let things flow and not start things. I rarely say "Hi" first because it ain't me. If those think that I'm ignoring you or w/e, I ain't. It's who I am that does it.
Where the heavy chested feeling comes from is someone that made me feel so happy either her being in my presence or me in hers and our social matters. I am not going to say her name but I'll just call her "Juliet" to ease my typing. Juliet has always been on my little brain throughout the whole day, and it just kills me for the past few months. I really enjoy our talkings and all so much that nothing else makes me happier right now. We barely seen each other though. In about 10 months, we've seen each other 5 times and counting. Seeing her and receiving a hug from her is like a dream. Gosh.... But 5 times in 10 months, that's like once every 2 months. And I've been speaking to Juliet for 10 months ? I wish I can call her more for an outings or something, but I do not have any transport for it. Only seen her through her parties or at her work, or maybe her shopping with someone else. I've been thinking alot lately about the things we've been through together through our talkings. But what would've we been through if we seen much more of each other in reality ? Recently, thoughts of just dropping it and carry on with my life has hitten my mind. Why? It's because of me. My mistakes and my lack of effort in what we've build or done or w/e.
Juliet is a beautiful, intelligent, entertaining, laughable person that can almost bring smiles to any person in this world. She brought the biggest smiles to my dial. But have I brought any to her ? She has so many strong friends and they all seem very nice and fun. Unlike me, I'm just quiet, a social outcast usually, boring and 'loner'. I do not see any of me and her taking part of any relationships for who I am. In the future, she is guaranteed to meet the husband of her life that will bring her happiness every second of her life and will cherish her forever because she deserves so much for who she is. I just wish I was that person. But my stupidity just ruins it. Sometimes, I want to let go of her and exclude myself from her life, because I am just another problem artist in people lives. Their happiness without me its already happening. But if I let her go, will I able to carry on ? What if I kept trying and only a shattered red oval comes to hand ? I do not want to foresee what happens right now. But I guess, this is where my ignorance and laziness with the "go with the flow" theory of mine happens.
But I hope what ever goes between us, I just hope it makes us both happier in the end. Because I do not want to hurt her in anyway. I just want her to make someone else, greater than me, happier because she possesses that ability to do that.
Well, its late now. Going to resume back to what I've been doing for the past few weeks, DotA - Sleep - Eat - Toilet. Ain't life great.
P.S 2 days still my 18th and im so emo :(
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